sick for home

day 17
and the grief is slowly setting in.

did not think that i was going to get homesick - this coming from the girl who doesn't even know what to call home, nor what to be sick for.

it became obvious, in my last days in the Heimat, that i was leaving something important, a place that i had (for better or for worse) connected to and with. i was leaving friends, so close i could call them family, and leaving a time in my life that i will always look back on with misty eyes.

and as i sit here, very much aware of the bounty i have been given, i cannot completely accept it. at times, it is just too good to be true. at other times, it is just not the same as where i came from. small reminders of my previous life creep in - group emails, friendly MSN chats, photos - and i find it a sick phenomenon how i want to be reminded of that part of my life, yet not reminded that i am no longer a part of it nor can it lay its claim on me anymore. the place i left is no longer the same and neither am i.

i am reminded of a quote from garden state:

"You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day, one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people who miss the same imaginary place. "

i guess the key is creating a new idea of home for myself. but until that happens...i can only sit here and miss that imaginary place. :(

attempting to automatically reconnect

thanks for the push on that one. i guess it has been a while since i've been here, and that is due to the fact that since my last blog, i have been on three continents, in 4 different countries, in 8 different airports, and met a number of people that i cannot seriously be expected to count.

but i have arrived at my final destination. israel. and let me just say, what a change everything is. coming from germany, where i complained about everything down to my mcdonald's sundae, i am slowly hearing myself say "man, i wish i was in germany"...can you believe it?

a few days ago i attempted to walk from my apartment to work (a 30 minute walk) and i stepped in dog poo FOUR times. yes, real actual fresh smelly squishy dog poo. apparently there is no law here (or no law that is obeyed) regarding the picking up of your dog's poo when you walk him. times like this i miss the overly regimented and anally retentiveness of the german comrades. God bless their bureaucratic ways.

but as for the future of this blog, you will have to stay tuned. i'm not sure when and where it will go. i may have to delve into the world of anonymous blogging, as the recognition world may not be what i am prepared to undertake at this point in time. so if you don't hear much more from me...it means i have moved on to become just another anonymous blogger - able to more freely publish my thoughts into the cyberworld. and if you are so lucky, perhaps you will find your way to my new abode.

but for now, stay put...there should be some new stuff coming up soon.